averytinyparticle | Snowblind Inbox

[When Quark notices he (deliberately) missed another message, he goes from feeling guilty to feeling like he wants to kick himself. How many people did he worry? He just...he just wants to help, and forget all of this horrible things in his head. So why? Why is everything turning out so...so rotten? His voice isn't in a bad shape like Enoch's, but it goes from sounding tired to sounding tearful the longer his response goes on.]

I'm sorry, Mr. Enoch. I'm really sorry, I got the message, I just saw it, I put the tablet down when I woke up and I don't know what I was thinking, I shouldn't have done it, I didn't mean to worry anybody. Please don't be mad.

[He can't sleep. Of course he can't sleep. Why should he be able to when he spent the last few days being unable to distinguish between dreams and hallucinations because without outside sensation they bled into each other? So he's there when Quark speaks up.]

It's all right. I'm not angry with you. I'm not... [He breathes a tired sigh.]

...Many of us were hurt by what happened. You aren't to blame for the way you feel.

O-Okay. Okay.

[It takes him a bit of effort not to apologize again. If he's being truthful, he doesn't really know why he's apologizing. He just feels like he has to, for what he tried to do, and worrying everybody over it. For running off even if he didn't realize he was doing it.]

Are you okay?

[He doesn't want to talk about himself, and what he saw. And, besides, Enoch sounds so tired, too.]

I mean...are you going to be okay?

[It doesn't seem like anyone's okay.]

[He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a slow sigh. He's trying to collect himself, and it's failed quite a bit so far.]

I...

[He wants to say he's suffered worse, but he doesn't know what is worse: a few hours of horrific mental and physical torture or two days of...nothing.]

I hope so. But I've recovered from my hardships so far...I can press on, I'm sure. I'm...I'm more worried about you. You're younger, after all, not so much experience to rely on...

You don't need to be worried about me.

[It's the sort of thing he'd always say with confidence, but it rings hollow and without conviction. Truthfully, Quark's worried about himself. Maybe not in a way that he's aware, that sort of self-awareness is too far beyond his years no matter how clever he is for his age. But worried about how different this makes him feel, how hopeless. He feels like he's not quite himself anymore, like he knows things he never should have been allowed to know, and that changes who he is.

There's a long, tense silence. Quark knows he should say something more, but nothing comes to him for a long time.]

I have to... [He struggles on the thought.] ...I have to learn how to take care of myself, even if I'm really scared.

[But he doesn't want to. God, he's never wanted to depend on an adult more than he does right now.]

Oh, Quark. [His voice dips to a sorrowful whisper. You poor child, no, that's not how it works...]

That's not...being self-sufficient isn't about not seeking comfort. We all [his voice breaks]...we all need other people in some way.

I know...

[Quark almost didn't respond. Almost didn't know how to. But Enoch sounds so, so sad too, and he feels like it would be wrong to avoid answering just because the answer is hard.]

I don't want to be alone...but...if I'm going to be alone no matter what I do, isn't it just better to be able to know how?

[He's quiet for another moment, almost sounding resigned.]

I wish it was different.

You're too young to say things like that. [Too mortal.] Loneliness isn't an inevitability, not for someone like you. I swear it. I know- [his voice breaks and he has to take a deep breath to compose himself.] -I know it seems bleak now, but you will not always be alone.

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Night 71, voice

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